Mama Deb (mamadeb) wrote,
Mama Deb

Happy Birthday, Isabeau.

Love and Honor

"A Jedi does not love in that manner, young Padawan."

I could hear his voice in mine as I echoed his words. Anakin looked at me with that way of his - defiant, disbelieving, head-strong. At thirteen, one would expect that, but he was worse than most. "How can a Jedi fight if he has nothing to fight for, Master?"

"There are other things to fight for, Ani. There is honor, for example."

"You would trade love for honor?" Anakin shook his head. "I would say one should have both, but love more."

"One day, you will understand, my padawan. One day." I dismissed him with a wave, and settled down to meditate before the evening meal.

But peace did not come upon me this afternoon. Instead, another picture grew in my mind, on a ship going to a desert planet bearing a very young queen.

"Master... it can not be wrong. It harms no one and it is how I feel!"

My master sat before me, his long grey hair clasped behind his head. I'd gifted him with that clasp during the last festival. "Ah, Obi-wan. You are yet young."

"I am a man grown, Master. On my home world, in my land, a man my age would be a father."

"You are my apprentice. You are not old enough to decide such things." He turned his back on me, his robes flowing around his body. They were as graceful as he was. I stood to block his way.

"No. I know. I know you are beautiful and I know I want to lay with you. And if you do not feel the same way, I will live with that." Wondering at my courage, I touched his cheek. It was only supposed to be a moment, but he took hold of my wrist.

"This is the wrong time for this, padawan. There is the boy, and Amidala and that Sith who must be taken out. There is no time for this."

I found more courage - enough to stroke his hair. "There will never be time for this, Master...Qui-gon. If we survive this mission, there will be another waiting. And soon, I will no longer be an apprentice."

He smiled. "You should not be one now. I have been selfish, Obi-wan. I have been reluctant to let you go." He leaned into my stroking hand.

"I have not wished to go. Qui-gon." And then I leaned forward and he met me half way there. And his lips were harsh and awkward.

I pulled back, and looked at him. "Yes. In this, young...lover, you must be the master. I have been a Jedi too long. We have little time, but I have much to learn."

He learned such arts as I knew quickly and well, writhing in my bed with all the pleasure I could give him, allowing me to sink within him - begging me to sink within him - and lying in my arms afterwards.

We would never have another chance, and I had not lain with another in the years that followed, the years that brought Anakin to the brink of puberty.

Meditation would not come this night. I rose and put on my robe for the evening meal, and was met at the door by my apprentice, who gazed at me with all the defiance he had.

"I will have both love and honor, Master."

"We will see, young padawan." We walked to the meal together, in proper silence.

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