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Mama Deb
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Mama Deb [userpic]
On the Seventh Day, She Rested

There's a long and hallowed tradition called the Shabbos Shluff - the nap between the cholent and mincha (afternoon services.) It's a lovely thing.

This wasn't that. It was going to sleep when the lights went out, around midnight, and waking up at 5:30 with an unhappy tummy. And then reading (I printed out furiousity's finished work. I like having a long story to read on Shabbos.) and so on until 7AM when I tried to go to sleep, only I was cold, so I pulled on my green velour robe/dress and then I was warm. I woke up at about 11AM to an empty house. I put the food on the blech to warm and read until my husband came home, around 12:30. Then I took another nap for an hour. We figured I'd slept about 10.5 hours, all told. And we had lunch at 3PM, and then I got dressed and went to the ladies' group.

At about the time we had lunch, though, was my mom's boyfriend's 75th birthday party. Of course, we couldn't be invited, but I do wish we'd found out directly, not through my brother calling to ask me if we were attending Lenny's party, which we'd hadn't even heard about. We didn't have to be asked, but given that we are apparently (and happily) chipping in for the present - a cruise for the two of them - it would have been *nice* to know it was happening.

I'd love it if he were really my stepfather, because he's a wonderful man and he makes my mother happy. And I think they'd love to get married, too. They *can't*. If they do, they lose my mom's social security and they can't afford that. I've suggested they just have a Jewish ceremony - only the ketubbah, not a civil license - but my brother is right. That sets up a lot of moral, ethical and legal problems - they would have to lie on government forms, for example, since in their heads, they would be married. It would make us happier, but it's not the right course of action.

So, after Pesach, we'll meet his kids. It's about time, but the whole thing is a logistical mess, and I need my Sundays right now.


That sets up a lot of moral, ethical and legal problems - they would have to lie on government forms, for example, since in their heads, they would be married. It would make us happier, but it's not the right course of action.

Heh. On the flipside of this, Ralph and I had to weigh the virtues of Holy Union vs. Marriage. Both would make us (in the eyes of God) Man and Wife, but the state only recognized the latter ...

In the end we decided on Marriage. But we would not have considered the former an act of lying. (Perhaps its because DH is from Germany where, when you get married, you typically have 2 ceremonies. A civil one at the town hall [state] and a religious one at your place of worship [God]. If you only get married in your place of worship, as far as the state is concerned, you are NOT married.)

Anyhow, I hope your Mom and her boyfriend find a solution that makes both of them happy.

I'd seriously love it if the US had that sort of system - totally divorcing religious marriage from civil unions. If that were done, gay marriage would become a nonissue since it would be clear that it would not affect any religion that forbids same-sex marriages. And, yes, using a different term would probably make a difference, since marriage does have religious implications in the US. Not sure what *doesn't* have religious implications here, actually.

In the non-Orthodox Jewish weddings I've attended, all both of them, they made a big thing of signing both the civil license and the religious contract. In my own...um. That's - um.

My father forgot to bring the civil license with him to the catering hall. (My mother forgot the bridesmaids' gifts and my husband forgot the seating charts. All I had to bring was myself, so I forgot nothing.) So they signed the ketubbah quietly while I did crisis management and the rabbi (my mom's first cousin) gave my dad power of attorney to sign the license himself. So he did, using his sister and her son as witnesses.

So I really do see the religious ceremony and the civil license being separate things, and I don't see why they shouldn't be that way for everyone. (And I also regard the state license as a mere formality, given that if the marriage (chas b'shalom) ended, I'd have to get religious divorce anyway.)

Our civil license was taken care of a week or two after our wedding. Though Seth and I are civilly married, I never really think of it that way.

oooh! a cruise!

That's a lovely gift! My sister and I have been nudging my parents to take one, but Mom finds travel with Dad way too difficult.

Too bad they won't take your suggestion. It sounds like a good one to me.

They're going to Nova Scotia. It sounds so lovely for them.

It sounds good to us, but you have to remember these are totally assimilated people in their seventies. It didn't even make sense to her - a marriage is a marriage. You have to have both a ketubbah and a civil license.

Yeah, seeing that the tax people won't allow people who are married religiously to say that they're married if they are gay, it seems clear to me that what the question on the tax form asks is not, "are you married or single" but rather, "are you civilly married or single"? And your mother wouldn't be legally married by civil law.

Ditto. The government cares about government-sanctioned marriages, which is a subset of the marriages that are possible. But I can see how this might be difficult for them to understand. Pity, as it's an ideal solution.

What story are you talking about? LJ is saying there is no such user as furiosity.

I'm sorry that your Shabbos shluff went awry. Hopefully next week will be more restful.

I spelled it wrong. furiosity.

The first sixteen parts of the story are here and the last chapter is on her lj.


Thanks so much! I'm starting to collect long stories that I can take with me to my parent's house for the first days and the hotel for the second days :)