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Mama Deb
mamadeb
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Mama Deb [userpic]
Meme

Gacked fromfilkerdave:

"I turned on anonymous posting, and turned off IP Address Logging. I want you to post anything that you want.

Anything.

A story, a secret, a confession, a fear, a love - anything. Be sure to post anonymously and honestly. Post twice if you'd like.

Then, if you want: put this in your LJ to see what your friends (and perhaps others who you don't even realize read your LJ) have to say."

Comments
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(Anonymous)

i am scared i will kill myself one day, and regret it later.

Everyone who knows you would regret it right away. I don't know who you are, but believe that it's true. And I don't use a psuedonym, so I can be found if you need to talk.

(Anonymous)

Just once in my life, I'd just like to go to a bar and hook up with a woman I don't know and have mind-blowing sex in the car.

(Anonymous)

I wonder how you reconcile your Orthodox Judaism with your involvement with slash fanfic.

I'll write a longer post about it, but suffice it to say that thinking and doing are different things - and I also write about people working on Saturday, performing magic and eating pork. :)

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(Anonymous)

I have had mild crushes on half a dozen LJ friends including cmshaw and darthneko which makes me afraid to talk to them in person because I am afraid they know or would guess.

My last lover (2 years ago) dumped me after one encounter and I don't know why for sure. I don't think I'll ever have another one because I don't ever open myself up for the possibility any more.

(Anonymous)

sometimes when I get in my car I think I might not make it to work because I am so tired I could go to sleep and crash and die and then I think that would be good and almost wish it would happen because I am tired of life too and sometimes I just don't care and if it killed me fast it would be okay but then I get scared it wouldn't so I've always stayed awake.

(Anonymous)

I felt the same way for a long time. After I had my daughter, I thought that I would never have a suicidal thought again. So not true.

My marriage was shit, my job was shit, and I had the most ridiculously shitty case of manically induced insomnia ever. I would fall asleep while driving. Literally. Eyes closed, starting to dream. I went off the road on the highway once. Luckily, I was in the left lane, so I only went onto the median. Luckily there WAS a median. Or unluckily, as I thought at the time.

Eventually, it faded. I was glad I hadn't really driven into oncoming traffic as I had planned so many times. Now if only I was still glad of that...

(Anonymous)

As I get older, I have had to face the frightening idea that maybe William Shatner really is sexy.

(Anonymous)

I have, or had, a friend who turned out not to be the same sort of friend to me as I was trying to be to her. And that's fine, because sometimes people have different expectations. Normally I don't care; I've managed to adjust my expectations of her, and I don't feel hurt anymore. But it makes me just crazy when I see other people going on and on about what a good friend she is. I want to shake them and shake them and say ONLY FOR NOW, DON'T YOU SEE?

Sigh.

(Anonymous)

I'm in love, and my partner has given no indications of being likely to leave me, but I'm still terrified of it happening. Because if it did happen, then I'd be more alone than I've ever been. In terms of real friends, people I can tell anything and call at 2 AM and be myself around, I have no one else.

And I fear that I don't know how to make real friends any more.

(Anonymous)

I feel the same way. I don't think he will leave me, not ever, but if he did I likely would just kill myself. Not that I would ever say that to him, of course.

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(Anonymous)

I went to a support group for bisexuals, and these people were talking about how they knew they were bisexual from when they were young teenagers, and I told myself that I was just straight and a poser. Then I cried in my car, and called a helpline on my cell phone. And later my therapist asked me all these confusing questions about whether I had gone there to meet someone of the same gender in the first place (yes, really) and if so why, and I couldn't figure out if she was criticizing me for going or not. I told her I wanted to die because no one would ever love me again and I'm a horrible person and she just kept telling me to try to meet more people face-to-face. I don't want to. Who wants to meet someone like me?

Aw, honey, don't feel like that. ::hug:: Not everyone is magically self-aware at thirteen. I don't think that half of the people who say they were actually WERE. Then again, I am cynical and less than trusting.

I wanted to punch my therapist in the face for criticizing my sexual preferences. I stopped seeing her because of that and haven't had therapy in about three years, even though I need it. ::sigh:: Note again the "less than trusting". I've been patronized by too many therapists so far.

Also, if it wasn't for my fiance, breaking up with my last girlfriend would have killed me. The third try was not, in fact, a charm. I've come to the very cynical conclusion that girls who want to sleep with girls are all crazy (except for me, of course. ha ha.)

This meeting "face to face" thing is... difficult for me. I am socially awkward. I am a geek and I was raised by crazy people. This does not make for easy socialization. After being accused of being a bitch many, many times ("She talks to that person all freakin day but she never talks to me unless she's making some crazy joke. I think she's making fun of me! OMGWTFBBQ.") I forced myself into being an extrovert. It doesn't work for very long and also not very well, but it has gotten me a few friends, even though I am a horrible person.

I am. Really. I know you understand.

So... I didn't reply anonymously, JIC you want to sneak up and talk to me. I'm coo' wit dat. You don't even have to mention that it's you. Also, I have a paid account, so animamea @ livejournal.com works on me.

Feel better.

(Anonymous)

I have a crush on one of my LJ friends. I won't say his name, because if for some reason he saw this he'd be really curious who it was and I'd end up telling him. And he'd probably just let it pass but he'd never think of me the same way again. I try not to talk to him much, even though talking to him is one of the only things that keeps me going, because I might tell him, and... I don't want that to happen. I feel totally stupid because this has happened before and I shouldn't be doing it.

(Anonymous)

I felt the same way about one of my RP friends. We shall call him Bob. We talked all the damn time on AIM and in the OOC. I tried to deny that I had a crush on him, but it didn't work. I was terrified that if I told him, something bad would happen.

You see, the previous "internet crush" I'd had ended badly. I never told John outright ("OMG I LUV U LOLOL") or anything like that... We just talked a lot and about things he wouldn't tell his girlfriend cos she was an awful BITCH. I told him she was an awful bitch, too. Then she read our chat logs, beat the shit out of him, and gave him a knife to slit his wrists with. He did. Luckily, his roommate found him and took him to the hospital. He ended up in a psychiatric care facility (aka loony bin).

I kept logging on to that ICQ account, just in case John ever came back. His now ex-girlfriend still had his passwords and would log on to taunt me under his SN, telling me he was dead, telling me that he hated me, that she hated me, etc etc. I cried so much for so long.

That sucked.

Back to Bob... One day, after about a year of talking, he got all weird and wouldn't talk to me. I forced him to tell me what was wrong.

So, long story short: Reciprocal crush, he came to visit, we clicked, it's been four years now and we're getting married.

I know that we are the exception to the rule, but it never hurts to try.

Well, that's not true... Trying hurts sometimes, but you may regret it forever if you don't say anything.

Now for the epilogue...

I left a little message on my website in memory of John, if he was even out there... A year after he was taken to the bin, he went to my website. He hadn't even touched a computer for months after they let him out of the bin. John saw the mention of him. He e-mailed me. I didn't trust it at first, but he proved it was him. I was so happy.

John ended up coming to visit me, too. We got along famously. It was ridiculous how good we were together... But I was already with Bob. As I already mentioned, we're getting married next year, so that ended up okay.

Eh... I don't even know if that was a happy ending or not. Take it as you will.

(Anonymous)

The fact that I love him and he doesn't love me isn't physically painful to me anymore -- but I wish I could get it all the way through my head that not only doesn't he love me, but also he never will, and therefore my patient, quiet stoicism will in fact have no payoff, ever. Not ever.

(Anonymous)

I could have said that.

But oh, he loves me, he really does -- but it's like a sister. Or he's too scared of himself to admit he loves me. Or something else that winds up with him gently shaking his head at me.

It's that edge of hope that makes it hurt worst. And while I love him, there will be no one else.

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(Anonymous)

I'm a virgin well into my adult years and I have no special interest in changing that, other than a desire not to be a dried up feeder stream in the gene pool. On the other hand, I'm very annoyed that I don't have to actually enforce this preference of mine, because no one has ever so much as asked, including at drunken college parties. It annoys me. Women no prettier than I am have husbands and several children. And it's not like I've actually voiced my beliefs, so it's not guys going, "Nuh-uh, not going with prissy-girl there," because they don't know. There's never been occasion to discuss the subject. Which makes me want to scream "What's wrong with me????"

I am afraid of dying alone and rotting in my house until the smell makes the neighbors call someone.

(Anonymous)

For me, it's not a preference-- it's something I want very much to change-- and yet I'm in the same boat.

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(Anonymous)

Sometimes I think I am actually crazy. It seems like I get suidically depressed over the littlest work stress. I hate my job soooo much and I can't leave it because I wouldn't get another. I would almost rather work retail again than walk into that building one more time to be harassed and bullied about by the management (although no one could never prove that's what's happening).

I should be happy. I have my wonderful husband, I'm getting by, paying the bills, making my way in life, and I'm sickeningly depressed and halfway suicidal all the time, and I hate my life. I've gained over a hundred pounds in the last year, and I don't know how or why. I go to work, come home, and go to bed, because we don't have enough money to go out, unless it's for something special. I get sick all the time. I have horrible headaches and I'm constantly having visual disturbances, dark spots, flashes.

I'm so sick and tired of being sick and tired. I want to be happy and healthy again, but I have no idea how to get there or even if it's possible.

I sometimes wish I had a horrible disease like cancer or something because that would mean something is really wrong with me and it's not just all in my head.

I sometimes wish I could just die.

(Anonymous)

Go to a doctor. Have him check your thyroid, especially--my doc was concerned about 50 pounds in 18 months... a hundred pounds in a year does sound like something is chemically out of whack.

(Anonymous)

If I should ever become pregnant out of wedlock, and the father isn't interested in marrying me or raising the child himself, you are on my shortlist of people I would contact and ask, "Do you want to adopt this baby?"

(Anonymous)

I am always plagued by the fear that I am a poseur and am not actually competent at any thing I do-- I just make a good show of playing pretend. I live in terror of people finding out. Whenever something doesn't work, I blame myself first even if I know other people had something to do with it. I assume other people blame me too.

(Anonymous)

I've been there. A lot. I'm always shocked if someone says I did a good job, and expect to be fired for being incompetent all the time. Who am I kidding? I should still be living at home. I'll never make it as a grown-up.

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