Mama Deb (mamadeb) wrote,
Mama Deb

Yom Kippur

These was either the worst or the best Yom Kippur I've ever had. Physically, it was definitely the worst.

I had not sufficiently rehydrated on Friday, nor had I eaten enough. Normally, I spend half the night going to the bathroom because I *over*hydrate. Not this time. I knew that was a probability going in, so I turned off the light in my fridge. I normally don't because we're not going to open it, right?

I was fine for Kol Nidre and the service right afterwards, although I sat when permitted. This is a change for me - I normally stand all I can, especially on Yom Kippur.

But the morning - I was *hungry*, which, well, I usually am, but this was worse. And when I got there, I found myself getting dizzy if I stood too much. I managed to keep standing by leaning on the wall next to me for the Amidah and the confessionals, but otherwise, I sat even when the Aron Kodesh was open. Standard shul practice is stand out of respect when that's open, but I couldn't. Even Yizkor - the memorial prayers for the dead - was odd for me. I stood but said things very quickly. Normally, I have a long talk with my father at this point. I feel very close to him at Yizkor - like he's listening. And this year, with Mom getting remarried and all, I needed that. I had to remind myself to do it. I don't know.

It didn't help that, as usual during the High Holidays, the shul was over-air-conditioned. Correction - to have the correct AC on the men's side, where they're wearing several layers (suits, kittels, tallitot), it was even colder on the women's side. This is the vagueries of our shul AC. I wore a wool shawl, which helped a fair bit, but I was COLD. I found myself huddling under it. Anyway, I got through shacharit and musaf (musaf was blindingly fast, for which I was grateful,although generally speaking I'd wonder what the point of that would be.) And I sat on my chair leaning against the wall huddled in my shawl and everyone asked how I was, and if they should get Jonathan.

And if I wanted water. Or juice. Or even crackers. Yeah. One of the things that kept me more or less upright during service was dreading the reaction and disruption if I weren't. And I couldn't even think and then a friend of mine handed me a cup of water. And I held it and stared at it. Because taking a drink - even though I thought I would when I got home for the break (a *four* hour break, btw) - was extremely hard. My friend sat there to convince me, telling me it was a mitzvah and I took a drink and I cried. In the sixteen years I've been doing this - even last year, when my blood sugar was still so high - I never had to drink. So I got even more attention, and Jonathan, who'd been helping to straighten up, finally showed up, and someone else offered me juice. And I hadn't take my meds for a couple of days, and certainly not that morning, and orange juice is one of the things diabetics give up, except for emergency lows.

I took it,and drank it. And even ate a handful of my wheat crackers.

Now, the reason everyone was still hanging around was that it was raining, and no one was prepared for rain. Umbrellas were out, of course, but no one had raincoats, either. So they were hoping for a break in the weather. So another friend leant me an extra shawl, which was enough to warm me up, and then we went to talk to the rabbi. Who took one look at me and asked if I were all right. :/

Verdict - I should go home and rest and NOT COME BACK. And *if* I really felt the need to eat or drink, I should eat tiny quantities and wait five or six minutes between each mouthful. That is, if I felt I was either in danger or if not eating would put me in danger. I think that had happened and several ounces of liquid and the crackers took care of that already.

So, since the rain had let up, I went home, leaning heavily on Jonathan. And went to bed and went to sleep, waking just about three hours later, when Jonathan was about to go back. He mixed me a bottle of "Hydration", which is the Crystal Light (no sugar) version of Gatorade and put it, at my request, just out of reach. After he left, I put a skirt over my nightgown and said minchah, and then spent the rest of the yom tov alternating between reading Narnia, daydreaming and crying over not being in shul. I *like* being in shul on Y'K. We have a cozy corner and it makes such a difference, plus I missed two confessions because I could only do the silent part at home, and I'd miss the shofar blast. And wondering if my lack of focus made the whole day worthless anyway. Just before nightfall, I said Neilah, and waited until full dark, and broke my fast with the Hydration.

As for the "best" - I've never cried before. I've never been worried about the quality of my tshuva. I never just prayed I was doing the right thing. So maybe,even with the private prayers and the breaking of the fast early, it did the job. I don't know.

This morning, I have a vague headache that coffee will cure, but physically I feel back to normal.
Tags: yom tov
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