Mama Deb (mamadeb) wrote,
Mama Deb
mamadeb

I'm scared

I am seriously getting scared. It's taken me two days to even start working on a resume. Yesterday, when I should have been making chicken soup and doing more menu stuff, I spent the entire day doing nothing. I didn't shower until around 6PM, I didn't leave the house until 7 (when I had my first real meal since breakfast - wonton soup and an eggroll) and, well, dinner was leftovers plus noodles, and I didn't start cooking the noodles until jonbaker called from a taxi.

I don't go to synagogue. I don't go to my parshah shiur (and everyone apparenlty misses me. I don't know.) I barely have guests for yom tov - Jonathan wants to ask people if we can join THEM for Friday night. I read, I sleep, i surf the web and I write.

At least I'm writing. That's a good thing, right? And I'm doing the secretary stuff for the shul board and I'm DOING that, so that's also good. But I'm not even knitting right now.

I see ads for decent jobs and DO NOTHING - I freeze and my stomach hurts.

It's been over a year.

jonbaker asked if he should ask his old therapist if she had a slot.

I told him "Yes." Because I know this feeling. I remember entire weeks spent doing nothing, cooking endless chicken legs and broccoli for dinner.

Because it would feel so good to just let go and let things happen, and I don't want that again.
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